Guilt

Today both boys started preschool. I have very mixed and conflicting feelings about this. I'm so so excited that they're somewhere they love, getting some great attention, and socializing with other children. They're also learning how to follow directions, listen to another adult figure, and be polite. All of these things are wonderful and I'm excited because it's such great practice for when Drake starts school next year.

But it's awfully quiet here. All by myself. No little running feet. No thrown toys. No hugs or kisses. Gah. I miss them so much.

I felt like I was doing a disservice by staying home with them and not being able to devote every minute of every day while I was home paying attention to them (bills needed paid, house needed cleaning, etsy orders needed completing...). Guilt. Since I'm starting a new job they have to start daycare anyway and since the slot was available now we have to take it now (even though I haven't started my job just yet). So they're in daycare. And I feel guilt. Again.

Maybe that's the mark of a good mother (please, please let it be). That I always constantly worry about them and wish and hope and pray that I'm making the right choices for them. To give them every advantage they need. To raise conscientious and compassionate and well-rounded individuals.

Happy Birthday Link!

I can't believe my sweet little guy is two today. It's crazy that he's two already. I miss the sweet days of him being so little. There's so many things that I miss, but there's so many things that I relish about this age, and so many more that I look forward to in the coming years.

Little Link is my dichotomy baby. There's just no way to describe him. He's sweet yet ornery, lovable yet trying, passionate yet complacent. He can be the sweetest baby ever. He loves to run up from behind and give your legs a big hug and a kiss. It's one of the best parts of my day. But he can also scream and turn red anytime he doesn't get his way (which turns out to be pretty often around here).

I love this little guy sooo much. Happy second birthday, baby. I love you to the moon and back!

Mother's Day free printable poster card design

Did you know Mother's Day was next weekend? I didn't. I thought it would be later in May. I guess I better get my act together!

I have the world's best mom as I'm sure most of you do too. So I designed some fun printable designs to share. They are sized at 5x7 and come in four standard colors (red, pink, citrus, and teal/aqua). If you want a different color or size, just message me or drop a comment below.

These are great printed out on heavy cardstock. Then write a personal message or poem on the backside, sign and date, and frame. You don't have to frame it, but it looks really lovely in a black frame.

Here's what all four standard colors look like:

Here's the links to download them:
Click Here for the PINK version
Click Here for the RED version
Click Here for the CYAN or TEAL version
Click Here for the CITRUS version
Click HERE for the MUM version

Please respect my work and don't try to pass the design off as your own, or resell it. Please don't distribute it in any way, but if you want to share the design, please share this blog post. Thanks!

Designs copyright 2011 by Amy Proffitt.

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the BEST mother's day

Yesterday was amazing! I had the best mother's day, and just generally a great day. I got to sleep in until nearly ten am! No little baby rolling about in my belly waking me up...he slept in too.

Then when I did wake up, I was met by my loving husband who made me my favorite breakfast: green pepper, ham, and cheese omelet. Yum! It was accompanied by lingonberry jam and reduced acid orange juice. Does my man know me or what?

He had my little man Drake pick out a balloon for me too as well as some gorgeous flowers at the florist's. Apparently Drake couldn't pick out just one balloon. He wanted two. Once I woke up, Daddy took him upstairs where the balloons and gifts were hidden. He told Drake to take me the balloons, so my first sight of my adorable little boy that day was seeing him streaking past me, running in a blur, with two bright mother's day balloons streaming behind him. It was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

After breakfast, I received the most thoughtful gift: a scrapbook with regular photo album pages. Dear hubby pointed out that I love to scrapbook but haven't made a family scrapbook yet. Wow. I hadn't even come to that realization, but he's right. And I'm so excited to create another scrapbook. The front has an opening for a picture and I can't wait to fill it with a family picture of all of us.

And that was only the beginning of my day...I didn't change a single diaper, my little boy was an angel, and my husband was loving and attentive...I felt so special. Thanks for the best mother's day ever, baby!

Is this the end?

I know for a fact that I have less than seven days to remain pregnant. I know this because I have a scheduled c-section for next Wednesday, the 13th, if I don't go into labor on my own before then. I'm excited, I'm elated, I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm a little bit of everything right now.

I always said I wanted two to three children. Now that I'm at that two children mark (and three really already, if you count my step-daughter who doesn't live with us which is the only reason I don't count her in my numbers) I'm finding myself really questioning everything. I'm at a loss. I'm a very rational person who plans everything out to the last detail and it's killing me (in a good way) that motherhood is just one of those irrational things that happens to you. And if you think I mean that unkindly, I do not. It's just that the decision to have someone else completely and utterly hold your heart and welfare in their tiny little hands isn't exactly rational. I can't protect myself...I'm at his mercy. I thought I knew love when I married my husband. And I did. A version of it. But comparing the love you feel for a spouse and the love you feel for your children is like comparing a puddle to the ocean. It's unfathomable how much I love my children. I didn't expect motherhood to change me in the ways that it has.

While motherhood is heart-wrenching sometimes, I can't imagine who I would be if not a mother. I can't..and won't...imagine it. The rewards are so much greater than the sacrifices (and let me tell you, there are MANY sacrifices). When I had Drake, it was like my heart was wrenched open and bled dry. Every beat has been for him since 12:41am on November 22, 2007. I love him so much it hurts.

So is this the last time that my heart will bleed for someone else? I don't know. I feel like someone is maybe missing from our family, but I worry that this will be the last of my pregnancies. This one came so unexpectantly and so quickly upon the first that I feel like I haven't had time to stop and just breathe, much less enjoy being pregnant. There's nothing like being pregnant to make you feel like a woman. I know I hate certain things about pregnancy, but I honestly love the round, full belly. I love the thought that I carry my child with my every single second of every single day, sheltered by me. I love all the little nudges and kicks, even the ones in the ribs at 2 am. It means my little guy's doing well, and that's enough for me.

So is this it? My last seven days EVER of being pregnant? I'm not sure. It seems so anti-climatic. All I know is that I'm relishing every last little kick, flutter, twist, and turn that he does. I'm holding him a lot and talking to him a lot. I will miss being pregnant.