Happy Anniversary to Us!

Eight years ago today I married my best friend. It's hard to believe that eight years has already gone by, but we're looking forward to spending many, many more together. I can't wait to see what the future holds with my sweet husband by my side. I love you, James!

Terrible graininess from an iPhone photo but it's the most recent one I have

Happy Birthday Link!

I can't believe my sweet little guy is two today. It's crazy that he's two already. I miss the sweet days of him being so little. There's so many things that I miss, but there's so many things that I relish about this age, and so many more that I look forward to in the coming years.

Little Link is my dichotomy baby. There's just no way to describe him. He's sweet yet ornery, lovable yet trying, passionate yet complacent. He can be the sweetest baby ever. He loves to run up from behind and give your legs a big hug and a kiss. It's one of the best parts of my day. But he can also scream and turn red anytime he doesn't get his way (which turns out to be pretty often around here).

I love this little guy sooo much. Happy second birthday, baby. I love you to the moon and back!

Is this the end?

I know for a fact that I have less than seven days to remain pregnant. I know this because I have a scheduled c-section for next Wednesday, the 13th, if I don't go into labor on my own before then. I'm excited, I'm elated, I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm a little bit of everything right now.

I always said I wanted two to three children. Now that I'm at that two children mark (and three really already, if you count my step-daughter who doesn't live with us which is the only reason I don't count her in my numbers) I'm finding myself really questioning everything. I'm at a loss. I'm a very rational person who plans everything out to the last detail and it's killing me (in a good way) that motherhood is just one of those irrational things that happens to you. And if you think I mean that unkindly, I do not. It's just that the decision to have someone else completely and utterly hold your heart and welfare in their tiny little hands isn't exactly rational. I can't protect myself...I'm at his mercy. I thought I knew love when I married my husband. And I did. A version of it. But comparing the love you feel for a spouse and the love you feel for your children is like comparing a puddle to the ocean. It's unfathomable how much I love my children. I didn't expect motherhood to change me in the ways that it has.

While motherhood is heart-wrenching sometimes, I can't imagine who I would be if not a mother. I can't..and won't...imagine it. The rewards are so much greater than the sacrifices (and let me tell you, there are MANY sacrifices). When I had Drake, it was like my heart was wrenched open and bled dry. Every beat has been for him since 12:41am on November 22, 2007. I love him so much it hurts.

So is this the last time that my heart will bleed for someone else? I don't know. I feel like someone is maybe missing from our family, but I worry that this will be the last of my pregnancies. This one came so unexpectantly and so quickly upon the first that I feel like I haven't had time to stop and just breathe, much less enjoy being pregnant. There's nothing like being pregnant to make you feel like a woman. I know I hate certain things about pregnancy, but I honestly love the round, full belly. I love the thought that I carry my child with my every single second of every single day, sheltered by me. I love all the little nudges and kicks, even the ones in the ribs at 2 am. It means my little guy's doing well, and that's enough for me.

So is this it? My last seven days EVER of being pregnant? I'm not sure. It seems so anti-climatic. All I know is that I'm relishing every last little kick, flutter, twist, and turn that he does. I'm holding him a lot and talking to him a lot. I will miss being pregnant.