Is this the end?

I know for a fact that I have less than seven days to remain pregnant. I know this because I have a scheduled c-section for next Wednesday, the 13th, if I don't go into labor on my own before then. I'm excited, I'm elated, I'm nervous, I'm sad, I'm a little bit of everything right now.

I always said I wanted two to three children. Now that I'm at that two children mark (and three really already, if you count my step-daughter who doesn't live with us which is the only reason I don't count her in my numbers) I'm finding myself really questioning everything. I'm at a loss. I'm a very rational person who plans everything out to the last detail and it's killing me (in a good way) that motherhood is just one of those irrational things that happens to you. And if you think I mean that unkindly, I do not. It's just that the decision to have someone else completely and utterly hold your heart and welfare in their tiny little hands isn't exactly rational. I can't protect myself...I'm at his mercy. I thought I knew love when I married my husband. And I did. A version of it. But comparing the love you feel for a spouse and the love you feel for your children is like comparing a puddle to the ocean. It's unfathomable how much I love my children. I didn't expect motherhood to change me in the ways that it has.

While motherhood is heart-wrenching sometimes, I can't imagine who I would be if not a mother. I can't..and won't...imagine it. The rewards are so much greater than the sacrifices (and let me tell you, there are MANY sacrifices). When I had Drake, it was like my heart was wrenched open and bled dry. Every beat has been for him since 12:41am on November 22, 2007. I love him so much it hurts.

So is this the last time that my heart will bleed for someone else? I don't know. I feel like someone is maybe missing from our family, but I worry that this will be the last of my pregnancies. This one came so unexpectantly and so quickly upon the first that I feel like I haven't had time to stop and just breathe, much less enjoy being pregnant. There's nothing like being pregnant to make you feel like a woman. I know I hate certain things about pregnancy, but I honestly love the round, full belly. I love the thought that I carry my child with my every single second of every single day, sheltered by me. I love all the little nudges and kicks, even the ones in the ribs at 2 am. It means my little guy's doing well, and that's enough for me.

So is this it? My last seven days EVER of being pregnant? I'm not sure. It seems so anti-climatic. All I know is that I'm relishing every last little kick, flutter, twist, and turn that he does. I'm holding him a lot and talking to him a lot. I will miss being pregnant.